Five, Six, Pick-Up-Sticks

Do I stand up for myself?

While I don't let people walk all over me, I am much more concerned about those around me than I am about myself. Whether that's entirely good or not, I can't be sure, because my empathy for others is quite strong at times to the point where their problems become my own. 


Let me just apologize now for the disappointment that is this post. Honestly, I don't care whether I stand up for myself or not. I mean, I know how to carry myself, and that's enough. I care so much more about how I defend the people that mean something to me, whether I know you or not. I don't think that's ever going to change. 

Unequivocal Considerations

I know that this is pointless.

I know that you're never going to read this, but I had to find some sort of outlet other than an old journal to say that your act of kindness moved me to tears today.

Thank you.

Money Doesn't Buy Happiness

If all of your debt was forgiven tomorrow, and you had a completely clean slate, what is the very FIRST thing you would change about your life?


I've just had a change of thought. When I originally wrote out this question, I meant it in terms of money but now that I have just pulled it out of the hat, I'm interpreting debt in more than just its' monetary implications. So in addition to money, if I had no feelings of having to owe anyone anything, if I was completely free I would change locations. In a heartbeat. No questions asked. 


I feel stagnant here.  

Bang Bang That Awful Sound

Your hand was always
one of trust
teaching my own hands
the curves of the wood.
Adult-like
Authoritative
Eager to help and
oh-so-kind.

They taught mine how to
separate core from synthetic stitching
a flash of red, mostly yellow, only
white with luck.

Mine taught yours that
temperament was needed
not
power was needed
not.

Lines were crossed with
No intentions
No words
No actions
Confusion lie only at
your front door.

I needed a ride.
There were fast hands
tall drinks
so many shenanigans and a
Bang
a car backfiring.
Your trusting hands.

Were those pennies I tasted?
-No, just blackness.

A Day For Firsts

What is something you have never tried but would like to?

Simple: Give my heart fully and have one fully returned. 

Question 3

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

My first thought was to go in the same direction as yesterday’s post. I discovered so many more situations where this odd calmness and directness took over during stressful times. But in the spirit of this project, I want to learn something new, so despite it taking me a few minutes I thought of a new answer. 

I remember.

Now, I know that almost every other being in the human population (and possibly some select animals) has the capability to remember, but nobody I know tries to actively remember. I don’t know how many times I start out a sentence with “Hey! Remember when...,” and then whoever I happen to be talking to looks at me as if I were insane and says they can’t recall said conversation or event. 

Good or bad I always find myself replaying EVERYTHING before I fall asleep each day, rather all of my interactions. I do sporadically keep a journal, but I never go back and read it, so I’m starting to question the reasoning behind that. I find it much more useful to continuously ‘review’ (like hitting rewind a bunch of times on a film) all of my conversations and outings with the people around me. Not because I want to change things, or regret anything, instead I simply just don’t want to forget. Anything. Ever. All of these talks and experiences that may not register as important to someone else, because it was ‘just another day,’ are very important to me. I am who I am because of those. Why would I want to forget?

I’m rambling now, but the point is that I try much harder than the average joe to etch each and every memory of mine onto my brain and onto my heart. 

Question 2

What is your fondest childhood memory? Who was there? What was going on?

I was in Kindergarden. You know how most classrooms at that age have their own bathrooms? Well one day I actually managed to lock myself in. Seriously. There was no trick to the lock. I wasn’t an idiot. There wasn’t anyone on the other side of the door preventing my escape. I just went into panic mode and couldn’t undo the lock. The fireman assigned to our school at the time was Firepal Matt. I had probably been in the bathroom for a solid 15 minutes by the time Firepal Matt made his entrance. I had him trying to tell me how to turn the lock, I had my teacher doing the exact same thing, and then I had my fellow classmates, some of them murmuring, some of them laughing on the other side as well. Let me tell you, that wasn’t fun. The next thing I heard was, “Maybe you should get the axe.” WHAT?! Now I’m totally freaking out, but things began to clear up a bit. I remember not being able to hear anyone’s voice at this point. It’s like everything went into slow-motion. The tears stopped, I walked up to the door, pushed the lock to the right and pushed. I was greeted by a lot of faces, some surprised, some with pity, but I just walked over to my desk and sat down trying to gauge how embarrassing that was. (Memory stops here). After writing this, I feel like this is the first and only time I can remember going into survival mode. Now I know that sounds silly, it was only a bathroom, but I was 5. I was locked in a small room with talk of axes on the other side. To me, that WAS a live or die situation. I don’t know if it was because this experience happened at such a young age or if it’s a basic human response -or both- but I’ve never experienced panic like I did that day. If anything, I’ve been told I’m abnormally calm in alarming situations. Weird. 


Note: I know this isn't a "happy" memory, but I took fondest to mean a memory that I took a liking to, so my decision stands :)