Saturday, August 28, 2010

Dances with Cupcakes

Hi Loves. It has been far too long. I apologize, but I did have a great couple of days accompanied with pictures. 

*Note: Click on the photos to enlarge them!



Flagstaff has been invaded with Sunflowers. It was pretty windy today, so I went for a drive, Flagpole Sitta came on the radio and it almost seemed as if the flowers were all bobbing their little heads in tune. It was quite surreal actually. Calming too. 

Also, I went home on Thursday only to see my favorite boy on this planet. 








...If you managed to smile when reading this, then I consider my mission accomplished. 



Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Greatest Folly of Mankind

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

-Yes, and not only my greatest fear but over 50% of my top ten have come true as well. I know that this is where I'm supposed to reflect on ideas such as my becoming stronger having dealt with such adversity, but I think that's a crock of shit. (Sorry for the language)

I know that failure, disappointment and loss are facts of life, and I have come to terms with that, but there are other now realized fears of mine that aren't facts of life. If anything, I still only see them as cruel jokes. I'm not stronger because of them, nor wiser, rather weaker, defeated and in more fear than before.

Fear is cancer, and eradication is slow.

Plagued by Genius

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

-I'm having a hard time answering this one. I have such definitive definitions for these words, and nothing I can think of neatly fits the mold.

I however do tend to find beauty in chaos. For months, friends and fellow peers referred to me as Ms. Eyres in high school (yes, even to my face), because I went to school one day and spent like 10 minutes talking about how beautiful I found this scene of a car accident to be. No one was hurt, but even to this day that particular crash is etched into my brain, as I think it always will be. I wrote poems about it, couldn't stop talking about it, and certainly couldn't get it out of my mind. I just felt like I was always looking at painting, a painting where everything was perfectly placed with purpose and motive.

But as for insanity and creativity? I don't know. You'll have to forgive me for the temporary rain-check.

In. And out.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

I'm doubting the usefulness of this question, because as soon as I read it I did what? Focus on my breathing, of course. But before now?

There was a huge storm Friday night. The thunder woke me from my sleep, so I decided to go out on the balcony and check it out. To say it was pouring would be an understatement. So I, at 2am with no shoes, rather just shorts and a tank top, extend the top half of my body out from the balcony as far as I could without going overboard and just allow myself to take it all in. I naturally got quite wet and I only lasted about three minutes due to my plummeting core body temperature. But I remember coming in, going to the bathroom to check out my rainy hair-do (or should I say hair-don't...), and it was then that I realized how exhilarating of an experience that was. My heart was pounding from excitement, and my breaths were short and quick. I had let all inhibitions go, allowed my intuition to guide me and came away with an intensely stimulating moment that I'm sure will stick around for a while.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Double Trouble







*Note, there are two questions in this post, because I stupidly missed yesterdays'.

1. What do you feel is your greatest skill? 


Well, tying a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue is a very close second, but I guess I would have to say that my greatest skill is my ability to listen. I've been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to figure out what my answer was going to be. At first I thought that I would put down 'love' but love is not a skill, rather it's a gift. 


So with love out of the equation, my gut has been practically yelling at me to put down 'listening' although I don't really know why. Maybe I should LISTEN to my intuition and run with it? Ahaha, that's the first pun I've made in a while. Bear with my corniness. 

I guess I could be comfortable calling my ability to listen a skill, and one of my greatest ones at that. Yes, it has taken trials, failures and careful attention with practice to get this said skill where it is today, and I suppose I should take a little pride in that. One of my main goals coming out of this 50 questions in 50 days project is to become a more effective communicator, and how could I possibly do that without listening? Simple, I couldn't. So here's a toast to my greatest skill in training; may you develop into something even more beautiful than you already are. 


2. Write your epitaph - the sentence you would want to appear on your grave. *(I'm not trying to be morbid. I want to know what first comes to mind. Maybe you'll later reflect on it and wonder what went through your brain that day or perhaps, it'll still ring true. You never know.)


-Music, when soft voices die, vibrates in the memory.



Thursday, August 5, 2010

Five, Six, Pick-Up-Sticks

Do I stand up for myself?

While I don't let people walk all over me, I am much more concerned about those around me than I am about myself. Whether that's entirely good or not, I can't be sure, because my empathy for others is quite strong at times to the point where their problems become my own. 


Let me just apologize now for the disappointment that is this post. Honestly, I don't care whether I stand up for myself or not. I mean, I know how to carry myself, and that's enough. I care so much more about how I defend the people that mean something to me, whether I know you or not. I don't think that's ever going to change. 



Unequivocal Considerations

I know that this is pointless.

I know that you're never going to read this, but I had to find some sort of outlet other than an old journal to say that your act of kindness moved me to tears today.

Thank you.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Money Doesn't Buy Happiness

If all of your debt was forgiven tomorrow, and you had a completely clean slate, what is the very FIRST thing you would change about your life?


I've just had a change of thought. When I originally wrote out this question, I meant it in terms of money but now that I have just pulled it out of the hat, I'm interpreting debt in more than just its' monetary implications. So in addition to money, if I had no feelings of having to owe anyone anything, if I was completely free I would change locations. In a heartbeat. No questions asked. 


I feel stagnant here.  

Bang Bang That Awful Sound

Your hand was always
one of trust
teaching my own hands
the curves of the wood.
Adult-like
Authoritative
Eager to help and
oh-so-kind.

They taught mine how to
separate core from synthetic stitching
a flash of red, mostly yellow, only
white with luck.

Mine taught yours that
temperament was needed
not
power was needed
not.

Lines were crossed with
No intentions
No words
No actions
Confusion lie only at
your front door.

I needed a ride.
There were fast hands
tall drinks
so many shenanigans and a
Bang
a car backfiring.
Your trusting hands.

Were those pennies I tasted?
-No, just blackness.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A Day For Firsts

What is something you have never tried but would like to?






















Simple: Give my heart fully and have one fully returned. 



Monday, August 2, 2010

Question 3

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

My first thought was to go in the same direction as yesterday’s post. I discovered so many more situations where this odd calmness and directness took over during stressful times. But in the spirit of this project, I want to learn something new, so despite it taking me a few minutes I thought of a new answer. 

I remember.

Now, I know that almost every other being in the human population (and possibly some select animals) has the capability to remember, but nobody I know tries to actively remember. I don’t know how many times I start out a sentence with “Hey! Remember when...,” and then whoever I happen to be talking to looks at me as if I were insane and says they can’t recall said conversation or event. 

Good or bad I always find myself replaying EVERYTHING before I fall asleep each day, rather all of my interactions. I do sporadically keep a journal, but I never go back and read it, so I’m starting to question the reasoning behind that. I find it much more useful to continuously ‘review’ (like hitting rewind a bunch of times on a film) all of my conversations and outings with the people around me. Not because I want to change things, or regret anything, instead I simply just don’t want to forget. Anything. Ever. All of these talks and experiences that may not register as important to someone else, because it was ‘just another day,’ are very important to me. I am who I am because of those. Why would I want to forget?

I’m rambling now, but the point is that I try much harder than the average joe to etch each and every memory of mine onto my brain and onto my heart. 

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Question 2

What is your fondest childhood memory? Who was there? What was going on?
I was in Kindergarden. You know how most classrooms at that age have their own bathrooms? Well one day I actually managed to lock myself in. Seriously. There was no trick to the lock. I wasn’t an idiot. There wasn’t anyone on the other side of the door preventing my escape. I just went into panic mode and couldn’t undo the lock. The fireman assigned to our school at the time was Firepal Matt. I had probably been in the bathroom for a solid 15 minutes by the time Firepal Matt made his entrance. I had him trying to tell me how to turn the lock, I had my teacher doing the exact same thing, and then I had my fellow classmates, some of them murmuring, some of them laughing on the other side as well. Let me tell you, that wasn’t fun. The next thing I heard was, “Maybe you should get the axe.” WHAT?! Now I’m totally freaking out, but things began to clear up a bit. I remember not being able to hear anyone’s voice at this point. It’s like everything went into slow-motion. The tears stopped, I walked up to the door, pushed the lock to the right and pushed. I was greeted by a lot of faces, some surprised, some with pity, but I just walked over to my desk and sat down trying to gauge how embarrassing that was. (Memory stops here). After writing this, I feel like this is the first and only time I can remember going into survival mode. Now I know that sounds silly, it was only a bathroom, but I was 5. I was locked in a small room with talk of axes on the other side. To me, that WAS a live or die situation. I don’t know if it was because this experience happened at such a young age or if it’s a basic human response -or both- but I’ve never experienced panic like I did that day. If anything, I’ve been told I’m abnormally calm in alarming situations. Weird. 


Note: I know this isn't a "happy" memory, but I took fondest to mean a memory that I took a liking to, so my decision stands :)