A Little Over 24 Hours

That's all it took for my faith-filled quest to not only come to a halt but turn and run in the other direction.

The reason for this? Ayn Rand, of course. Well, that and my inability to refrain from reading things that I KNOW will cause problems and raise questions.

If you're interested, below is a link, a compilation of clips from three interviews with Rand. There's a Youtube video in the top left corner, and you can read the transcript while following along.

public.youtranscript.com/zs/882.html

I can't question reason. While I don't agree that acting on emotions is the same as faith, all of the rest is spot on.

Why I torture my brain with philosophy I will never know.

Someday

I just finished another really great book.

"Same Kind of Different As Me" by Ron Hall & Denver Moore.

Read it.

It's about an unlikely friendship between a dangerous homeless drifter and an upscale art dealer. It was focused on the restorative power of forgiveness and unconditional love.

I don't know what my deal has been lately, but I've been gravitating towards a lot of books about faith and love. My best guess is that I know the definition of faith, but I don't understand it. At all. And I'm not singling out religion here, rather I don't see how everyone around me can put faith, blind faith into virtually anything or anyone. Without hesitation, I might add. Call me a cynic, but it's just not comprehensible to my brain.

However, when reading this book I came across something I'd like to share:

"...Christianity is not a religion; it's a relationship." "...which is why I know that when my faith was shattered and I raged against Him, He still accepted me. And even though I have penciled a black mark in His column, I can be honest about it. That's what a relationship is all about."

I've heard plenty of times about the relationship people think they have with god, and I'm always quick to dismiss it as delusion or something like it. And that's not fair, but I never fully realized just how unfair I was really being until I read that above passage. A lightbulb went off, and I realized that my problem isn't with god, it's with people and the bible. How is it possible that I can feel more comfortable putting blind faith into an unknown superior being hanging out in the sky but not the "holy text" I can physically hold in my hand?

Answer? People.

I tend to expect the ugly to come out in most people, because it usually does. The human race is why I can't put any belief in faith. That's not to say that I don't wish I could, because I do. I do want that. I've been reading all of these books lately like a maniac on a mission, and this was the first one to propel me one giant step forward. Maybe I just need to put out more love, and the faith will come.

Faith in myself. Faith in another person, idea, philosophy. Faith in the unknown.

Herroo

So, I finally wrote my first lesson plan. It's about time, right? Anyway, if any of you would like to read it, I'd be happy to send it your way. It's for 5th graders and about the Road to the American Revolution  =)

Movie Mania

After a week full to the brim of movies and documentaries, I've been thinking all day about which film I would like my life to most resemble. I couldn't come up with an answer. However, I just got back from the grocery store, and when walking down one of the aisles I was ambushed by a five year-old boy. He was shooting me with an invisible gun complete with an invisible laser. I so badly wanted to join in on the fun, but I also didn't want to drop the eggs.

Lame. I should have asked him what movie he was acting from.

Not-So-Tactful

Is it wrong to call someone out in the middle of lab and say that you don't appreciate them copying down all of your answers? That they don't contribute at all and shouldn't reap the benefits of everyone else's collaborative effort? That this is the second time in a row you have done this, and I can't sit politely and idly this go-around?

I'm assuming that come tomorrow, I'm going to feel badly about the things I said, especially since I don't even know your name.

I mean, you're really sweet and everything, but that poor, pitiful "puppy-dog" face that you seem to have mastered so well isn't going to work.

There's this concept you might want to brush up on called integrity although THAT, you will not be able to find in any of my lab packets.

It will actually require the use of your brain.

Surprising, I know.

Insanity

So, last night (meaning Monday night/tuesday morning) marked my first all-nighter of the semester, and it has forced me to come to the following conclusion:

Pulling off a successful all-nighter is an art form.

You need the right food at the right intervals, a clean distraction-free environment, the right music...wait, are we setting up for a date?

Seriously though, the combination has to be spot on or everything falls apart.

During my all-nighter, I managed to type up two 8-paged papers with citations and everything. I also had to shower, go to class from 8am to 12:30pm, run errands, take a 3-hour nap, and then start my third paper of the day which amounted to 7 pages right before my midnight deadline.

23 pages in less than 24 hours. Shit. And I'm not asleep yet?!

You guys might want to make sure I didn't turn into a robot.

Call It

When I first saw this, I called shenanigans immediately. Then I came back to it about a week ago and decided to try it out.

I was proven wrong. This works.

Every time.

Productivity

I'm never more ready to take on the world than the days I'm solely listening to Regina. I had a few fits of dancing that I couldn't control today. In public.

Doesn't that sound like the complete opposite of me? ...I know.

But it happened.

Sinister of Hope

I continue to try and fix you even though you've gone. I thoroughly search your face in photos for a speck, a hint pointing to where and when it all began to go horribly wrong.

I always find nothing.

There's no reason for your smile to have been permanently erased. I could have fixed it. At least, I like to think that I might have been able to make a difference.

I'm not sad anymore though. Goodbye just came too soon. That, and the fact that my mind tends to wander at inappropriate times (such as tonight). And isn't it sad that I'm choosing my blog as a medium for this? We should just chalk it up to late night laziness.

Anyway, WMB, I miss you. I'm starting to think I always will.

Praise

The best compliment I have given out in the past few years or so happened to cross my lips tonight.

I told this person that they make my heart smile.

...And I meant it.

Change of Plans

The winds are a-changing, and I couldn't be more excited. I finally took a step back and prioritized my life not according to what is expected of me, but according to what I want to do, where I want to be and who I want to be.

No matter which way I spin it Travel is number one on my list. Not graduating, not love, not children. Just me, my thoughts and the world. It's time I realized that this is the time in my life to be selfish. There's nothing wrong with that. That's not to say that I won't graduate, find love or have children. I'm just going to do things slightly out of order.

First: I'll graduate. Included in that package is a trip with my mom and hopefully a summer trip with a few of you wonderful people.

Stage two of my very open-to-change plan is to find a job overseas teaching English (preferably in Asia). Some of these opportunities are so inclusive that they'll even pay my return flight and housing! If I can find something like that, then I can hopefully save 75% of my income over that first year of teaching. That could easily turn into $20,000.

THEN, I become a nomadic backpacker for one or two years and see the world. Who knows, I could find the place I would eventually want to settle down in, I could find the love of my life, etc... But what WILL happen is that I will gain the experience of a lifetime. This itch is one that I can't avoid scratching.

I've decided that I need to stop soul-searching. I'm looking for something that just isn't there, which is why it's such a cumbersome ordeal. I need to go out and live and develop that soul that I yearn for.

Here's to the end of looking back.

Fireworks beneath Eyelids

I had a dream last night that I married Michael Dyer. One of my weirder dreams indeed, and I know a few of you may get a chuckle out of it.

Dances with Cupcakes

Hi Loves. It has been far too long. I apologize, but I did have a great couple of days accompanied with pictures. 

*Note: Click on the photos to enlarge them!

Flagstaff has been invaded with Sunflowers. It was pretty windy today, so I went for a drive, Flagpole Sitta came on the radio and it almost seemed as if the flowers were all bobbing their little heads in tune. It was quite surreal actually. Calming too. 

Also, I went home on Thursday only to see my favorite boy on this planet. 

...If you managed to smile when reading this, then I consider my mission accomplished. 

The Greatest Folly of Mankind

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

-Yes, and not only my greatest fear but over 50% of my top ten have come true as well. I know that this is where I'm supposed to reflect on ideas such as my becoming stronger having dealt with such adversity, but I think that's a crock of shit. (Sorry for the language)

I know that failure, disappointment and loss are facts of life, and I have come to terms with that, but there are other now realized fears of mine that aren't facts of life. If anything, I still only see them as cruel jokes. I'm not stronger because of them, nor wiser, rather weaker, defeated and in more fear than before.

Fear is cancer, and eradication is slow.

Plagued by Genius

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

-I'm having a hard time answering this one. I have such definitive definitions for these words, and nothing I can think of neatly fits the mold.

I however do tend to find beauty in chaos. For months, friends and fellow peers referred to me as Ms. Eyres in high school (yes, even to my face), because I went to school one day and spent like 10 minutes talking about how beautiful I found this scene of a car accident to be. No one was hurt, but even to this day that particular crash is etched into my brain, as I think it always will be. I wrote poems about it, couldn't stop talking about it, and certainly couldn't get it out of my mind. I just felt like I was always looking at painting, a painting where everything was perfectly placed with purpose and motive.

But as for insanity and creativity? I don't know. You'll have to forgive me for the temporary rain-check.

In. And out.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

I'm doubting the usefulness of this question, because as soon as I read it I did what? Focus on my breathing, of course. But before now?

There was a huge storm Friday night. The thunder woke me from my sleep, so I decided to go out on the balcony and check it out. To say it was pouring would be an understatement. So I, at 2am with no shoes, rather just shorts and a tank top, extend the top half of my body out from the balcony as far as I could without going overboard and just allow myself to take it all in. I naturally got quite wet and I only lasted about three minutes due to my plummeting core body temperature. But I remember coming in, going to the bathroom to check out my rainy hair-do (or should I say hair-don't...), and it was then that I realized how exhilarating of an experience that was. My heart was pounding from excitement, and my breaths were short and quick. I had let all inhibitions go, allowed my intuition to guide me and came away with an intensely stimulating moment that I'm sure will stick around for a while.

Double Trouble

*Note, there are two questions in this post, because I stupidly missed yesterdays'.

1. What do you feel is your greatest skill? 


Well, tying a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue is a very close second, but I guess I would have to say that my greatest skill is my ability to listen. I've been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to figure out what my answer was going to be. At first I thought that I would put down 'love' but love is not a skill, rather it's a gift. 

So with love out of the equation, my gut has been practically yelling at me to put down 'listening' although I don't really know why. Maybe I should LISTEN to my intuition and run with it? Ahaha, that's the first pun I've made in a while. Bear with my corniness. 

I guess I could be comfortable calling my ability to listen a skill, and one of my greatest ones at that. Yes, it has taken trials, failures and careful attention with practice to get this said skill where it is today, and I suppose I should take a little pride in that. One of my main goals coming out of this 50 questions in 50 days project is to become a more effective communicator, and how could I possibly do that without listening? Simple, I couldn't. So here's a toast to my greatest skill in training; may you develop into something even more beautiful than you already are. 

2. Write your epitaph - the sentence you would want to appear on your grave. *(I'm not trying to be morbid. I want to know what first comes to mind. Maybe you'll later reflect on it and wonder what went through your brain that day or perhaps, it'll still ring true. You never know.)


-Music, when soft voices die, vibrates in the memory.

Five, Six, Pick-Up-Sticks

Do I stand up for myself?

While I don't let people walk all over me, I am much more concerned about those around me than I am about myself. Whether that's entirely good or not, I can't be sure, because my empathy for others is quite strong at times to the point where their problems become my own. 


Let me just apologize now for the disappointment that is this post. Honestly, I don't care whether I stand up for myself or not. I mean, I know how to carry myself, and that's enough. I care so much more about how I defend the people that mean something to me, whether I know you or not. I don't think that's ever going to change. 

Unequivocal Considerations

I know that this is pointless.

I know that you're never going to read this, but I had to find some sort of outlet other than an old journal to say that your act of kindness moved me to tears today.

Thank you.

Money Doesn't Buy Happiness

If all of your debt was forgiven tomorrow, and you had a completely clean slate, what is the very FIRST thing you would change about your life?


I've just had a change of thought. When I originally wrote out this question, I meant it in terms of money but now that I have just pulled it out of the hat, I'm interpreting debt in more than just its' monetary implications. So in addition to money, if I had no feelings of having to owe anyone anything, if I was completely free I would change locations. In a heartbeat. No questions asked. 


I feel stagnant here.  

Bang Bang That Awful Sound

Your hand was always
one of trust
teaching my own hands
the curves of the wood.
Adult-like
Authoritative
Eager to help and
oh-so-kind.

They taught mine how to
separate core from synthetic stitching
a flash of red, mostly yellow, only
white with luck.

Mine taught yours that
temperament was needed
not
power was needed
not.

Lines were crossed with
No intentions
No words
No actions
Confusion lie only at
your front door.

I needed a ride.
There were fast hands
tall drinks
so many shenanigans and a
Bang
a car backfiring.
Your trusting hands.

Were those pennies I tasted?
-No, just blackness.

A Day For Firsts

What is something you have never tried but would like to?

Simple: Give my heart fully and have one fully returned. 

Question 3

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

My first thought was to go in the same direction as yesterday’s post. I discovered so many more situations where this odd calmness and directness took over during stressful times. But in the spirit of this project, I want to learn something new, so despite it taking me a few minutes I thought of a new answer. 

I remember.

Now, I know that almost every other being in the human population (and possibly some select animals) has the capability to remember, but nobody I know tries to actively remember. I don’t know how many times I start out a sentence with “Hey! Remember when...,” and then whoever I happen to be talking to looks at me as if I were insane and says they can’t recall said conversation or event. 

Good or bad I always find myself replaying EVERYTHING before I fall asleep each day, rather all of my interactions. I do sporadically keep a journal, but I never go back and read it, so I’m starting to question the reasoning behind that. I find it much more useful to continuously ‘review’ (like hitting rewind a bunch of times on a film) all of my conversations and outings with the people around me. Not because I want to change things, or regret anything, instead I simply just don’t want to forget. Anything. Ever. All of these talks and experiences that may not register as important to someone else, because it was ‘just another day,’ are very important to me. I am who I am because of those. Why would I want to forget?

I’m rambling now, but the point is that I try much harder than the average joe to etch each and every memory of mine onto my brain and onto my heart. 

Question 2

What is your fondest childhood memory? Who was there? What was going on?

I was in Kindergarden. You know how most classrooms at that age have their own bathrooms? Well one day I actually managed to lock myself in. Seriously. There was no trick to the lock. I wasn’t an idiot. There wasn’t anyone on the other side of the door preventing my escape. I just went into panic mode and couldn’t undo the lock. The fireman assigned to our school at the time was Firepal Matt. I had probably been in the bathroom for a solid 15 minutes by the time Firepal Matt made his entrance. I had him trying to tell me how to turn the lock, I had my teacher doing the exact same thing, and then I had my fellow classmates, some of them murmuring, some of them laughing on the other side as well. Let me tell you, that wasn’t fun. The next thing I heard was, “Maybe you should get the axe.” WHAT?! Now I’m totally freaking out, but things began to clear up a bit. I remember not being able to hear anyone’s voice at this point. It’s like everything went into slow-motion. The tears stopped, I walked up to the door, pushed the lock to the right and pushed. I was greeted by a lot of faces, some surprised, some with pity, but I just walked over to my desk and sat down trying to gauge how embarrassing that was. (Memory stops here). After writing this, I feel like this is the first and only time I can remember going into survival mode. Now I know that sounds silly, it was only a bathroom, but I was 5. I was locked in a small room with talk of axes on the other side. To me, that WAS a live or die situation. I don’t know if it was because this experience happened at such a young age or if it’s a basic human response -or both- but I’ve never experienced panic like I did that day. If anything, I’ve been told I’m abnormally calm in alarming situations. Weird. 


Note: I know this isn't a "happy" memory, but I took fondest to mean a memory that I took a liking to, so my decision stands :)

50 Questions In 50 Days

I don’t know if any of you actually read what I write or not but regardless, there is going to be a lot more of me in these upcoming months. 

I have just finished the book, Live What You Love, by Bob and Melinda Blanchard. I bought it yesterday and basically tore through it, deeply taking in each sentence. There are several wonderful “Remember” pages full of Do’s and Don’ts, and I felt like I was etching each one onto my heart as I read them. Things like “Don’t stay in a job you don’t enjoy” and “Do ask yourself as many questions as it takes to discover where your passion lies.”

It’s that second one - the one about asking questions, that brings me to this post today. Bob and Melinda talk about asking yourself questions and more questions until you discover what it is you really love. After all, we can’t live what we love until we discover what that truly is, right?

So, as an exercise for myself and possibly you as well, I’ve created a list of questions to ask ourselves in order to help define that passion, one question everyday for the next 50 days. They are not in any particular order, except for my own random stream of consciousness. I tried to avoid common cliche questions, as I’ve never found them helpful and you probably wouldn’t either. 

My goal: Learn a thing or two about myself that I didn’t know before.

So here goes.

Day One: How do you really feel about what you are doing right now at this exact moment? 

I’m not sure if this should be referring to today’s blog entry or the fact that I just stayed up way too late watching Project Runway... Either way, I’m surprisingly calm these days.  Hardly anything gets done in a timely manner, but I don’t seem too bothered by it. I feel that my thoughts right now are becoming more and more rational. Not boring, just more directive towards a happier path. I realize how self-destructive I can be, but I know with all my heart and being that I’m in some sort of a transitional phase right now. I don’t yet know what has spurred this change or what it will bring, but I’ll be damned if I just sit by and let it happen without experiencing it, without taking something from it. Other than love, the best way I know how to live is with my mind. That’s where this project came from, and there’s an itching in my soul to complete it honestly and thoroughly. I’m excited to fill these blank pages, to unravel a part of me that I may not even know exists. 

I hope you enjoy tagging along. 

Life's Magic

My impatience is going to get the best of me. For the better part of the past two years, I have been almost obsessive with not only clawing myself out of this massive hole of despair but trying to assign meaning to everything as well. Every person. Every experience. Every feeling. Every decision.

While I don't doubt that there indeed is meaning ascribed to all of the above mentioned, I can't help but feel at times that I'm trying to live beyond my years. I'm so busy trying to get to that point, that mysterious, shape-shifting yet undeniably desirable point where everything is supposed to make sense, that I'm missing all the good stuff along the way. I mean, I have an appreciate eye and a heart as well as an ear and mind. I know when to stop and smell the roses...

I just seem to have this nagging feeling that what I'm trying to grasp at simply doesn't exist-not in a physical sense anyway. It's self-created. Maybe I created it to give myself a light at the end of the tunnel? I don't know. What I do know, is that I have wasted far too much time waiting for this act of 'self actualization' to reveal itself. I can't falsely create it; that would defeat the purpose. Like love, I only need to enjoy the ride along with myself, and it'll come. I won't know when, and I won't know why, but what's life without a little bit of magic?

Let It Grow

It was too late, cracks escalated
breaking us down. Keep walking

don't look back for
deception awaits the eyes.
Lies, promises
stories, memories
all with the hope-
the hope to one day slowly
edge back into consciousness.

Thoughts planted, wound up
It's time to let them go.

Allow your feet to cease course,
breathe a moment.
Feel it with all your heart. Watch
those tail lights of a sorry
past life fade away.

How I Became

Abelle, thank you for your last post. I have decided to follow in your footsteps and also post a little something about what has spurred me into becoming me.

Photo style.

All of these contribute to who I am today, in no particular order, mind you. The good. The bad. The beautiful. The ugly. Also, sorry about the fuzzy ones. Some of these were unfortunately saved to photobucket.